Jakarta’s Bucket List
We all know about Monas, cheap electronics, Kota Tua’s museums, the Highland Gathering along with cycling down Sudirman on a Sunday morning, so to celebrate Jakarta Expat’s centenary issue, here’s an occasionally light-hearted list of 100 alternative things to do within the Big Durian.
1. Avoid stepping into random gaps within the sidewalk. Falling suddenly into a sewer can be one way to immerse yourself in Jakarta, although the item’s not the recommended one.
2. Spend an evening transvestite-watching at Taman Lawang along with Jalan Latuharhari.
3. Experience what the item’s like to be a tinned sardine on a slow day by taking the TransJakarta busway during peak hour.
4. Keep smiling, no matter how annoyed you feel. Never lose your cool.
5. Carry a dictionary, talk to cab drivers along with practice your Indonesian, rather than pretending to be engrossed in a phone or tablet which has a flat battery.
6. Tell the minimart cashiers that will you don’t need a plastic bag for your single item purchase along with witness their reaction.
7. Go to Stadium once, along with only once. Unless you’re a drug addict.
8. If addicted to loud noise, take the scenic ride home via Stadium via the back-streets at 6am in an orange bajaj.
9. Don’t get ripped off by street vendors, although don’t haggle too low unless you are completely insensitive to human misfortune.
10. Cure mystery ailments by getting a filthy coin scratched on your back.
11. Accept that will a supermarket will employ numerous staff to stand around doing nothing, yet have only three checkouts operating.
12. Bribe a civil servant to obtain a free form.
13. Get an invigorating massage. Options include a clean totok wajah (face, back along with shoulder massage), suction cups along with the felicitous finale.
14. Pretend to be influential. Get your photo taken with the Indonesian president, frame the item along with hang the item in your office.
15. Support a reputable local charity. Such as twin sisters, Rian along with Rossy, who run a free school along with medical clinic for impoverished kids. Contact them on 08128101860.
16. Watch a local football game at Senayan Stadium (pronounced ‘Gelora Bung Karno’).
17. Convert to another religion for the sake of getting married. Then sign a document declaring you weren’t forced into converting.
18. Promiscuous men: Pretend you are Don Juan by having multiple girlfriends or wives.
19. Promiscuous women: Always carry condoms. You can invariably get lucky in Jakarta, until you sober up.
20. Learn to dance to dangdut music at the bars on Jalan Blora. Then strut your stuff at wedding parties.
21. Spend several minutes speaking English to the youngsters outside Cafe Batavia in Kota Tua. along with don’t say no to having your photo taken.
22. Beat the wet weather traffic by taking an ojek (motorbike taxi). Use a mantel (raincoat), a helmet along which has a prayer.
23. Rent a MetroMini bus for a pub crawl via Kemang to Jalan Palatehan to Jalan Hayam Wuruk.
25. Stand your ground when exiting a lift along with people try to push their way in.
26. Watch an Indonesian film at the cinema. You don’t need to know the language to follow the plot. Observe audience reactions.
27. Visit a sleazy bar, meet someone brand-new along with expose yourself to venereal disease.
28. Buy generic antibiotics without a prescription to cure yourself of venereal disease.
29. Observe enthusiastic, sober brand-new arrivals gradually become disillusioned, alcoholic lechers.
30. Get yourself on local TV, preferably without breaking the law. Wearing bright clothing along with shouting “bule” should work.
31. Write a novel that will no publisher will touch. Self-publish along with sell the item to sympathetic drunks who should know better.
32. Invest in earplugs or double glazing if you live near one or more noisy houses of worship.
33. Take up a sport, such as kickboxing at Kemang Fight Gym, to keep fit along with work off any stress or anger.
34. Of the 100-plus international schools in Jakarta, try to find one of the few that will have genuine international accreditation.
35. Get some serenity at a cemetery or by listening to classical musicians jamming at Taman Suropati in Menteng on Sundays.
36. Reduce your life expectancy to 60 by chain-smoking kretek, along with eating Indomie along with gorengan (food deep-fried in palm oil).
37. Write the word ‘None’ or ‘Communist’ in any form that will asks for your religion. Always gets a laugh.
38. Get a second opinion when the doctor insists a caesarean birth can be required.
39. Definitely get a second opinion, preferably at a Singapore hospital, when the doctor claims your newborn baby needs expensive brain surgery.
40. Study the arcane cryptology of Indonesian Internet Service Providers. Discover that will “up to 14.7Mbps” actually means “3.2Kbps, if you’re lucky”.
41. Attend a wedding along with discretely slip the bride a condom as you greet her with palms together.
42. Violate the terms of your visa by getting paid, albeit a pittance, to write feeble articles for a local publication.
43. For those who enjoy impossible challenges, try to get your mobile phone carrier to stop sending spam text messages.
44. Get a pair of shoes made locally. Then get them repaired every two months.
45. Pretend you’re a powerful politician by traveling within the busway lane which has a police escort along with flashing lights.
46. Play chess under the bridge at Kampung Melayu.
47. Start a gold mining company, invest millions along with then go to jail when your local business partner decides to take everything.
48. Publicize your ignorance by posting ill-informed comments on the websites of The Jakarta Post along with The Jakarta Globe.
49. Observe a pickpocket get caught along with beaten half-to-death by an angry mob. Then witness public apathy toward politicians stealing millions of dollars.
50. Rid your house of cockroaches along with ants with an insecticide called Kemut, sold at Ace Hardware. Beats not-so-magic chalk along with smelly sprays.
51. Eat bat at a Manadonese restaurant in between stints on the karaoke floorshow.
52. Learn to live with trivial disappointments, such as the disappearance, without explanation, of your favourite items via the supermarket shelves.
53. Men: Get a cheap haircut via a barber on a bike under a tree.
54. Women: Get a cream bath hair-wash along with facial at a beauty salon.
55. Beware of doctors prescribing unnecessary antibiotics. Google the pills before buying them.
56. Drive adroitly through tight traffic along with then become incapable of parking without an attendant shouting directions.
57. Go to Jalan Surabaya along with buy an old record, even though you have nothing to play the item on.
58. Separate your rubbish into glass, paper, metal along with biodegradable – if possible – to make life easier for local rubbish collectors along with scavengers.
59. Treat yourself to an ‘Old Fashioned’ at Nip & Dram – a whisky lounge on the ground floor of the Landmark Centre II building, Jalan Sudirman.
60. Learn the hard way that will eating street food does not make you a native. the item can make you a walking disaster.
61. Celebrate your birthday in local style by bringing a cake to the office. Then have colleagues take you out for dinner along with drinks, along with you pick up the tab.
62. Open a successful bar or restaurant. Close down when the landlord trebles the annual lease.
63. Drink shots of cobra blood, infused with alcohol, on Jalan Mangga Besar Raya. Recommended only for men suffering erectile dysfunction along with for women with bad skin.
64. Brighten up your house or apartment with potted plants. Don’t grow marijuana unless you want to experience the inside of an Indonesian jail.
65. Discover that will pedestrian crossings are safe to use only when manned by a couple of guards stopping the cars.
66. Unwind which has a trip to Bogor’s Botanical Gardens. Resume stress during the slow journey back to Jakarta.
67. Unwind further by climbing Gunung Parang along with enjoying the fresh air along with views. At 915 meters the item’s a short although steep hike, located about an hour’s drive via the city.
68. Mainland Chinese: If you live in an apartment, refrain via spitting within the lifts along with stop throwing your trash within the corridors along with in front of the lifts.
69. Rich Arabs: Buy a contract wife along with have a dirty weekend in Puncak.
70. Australians: Accept that will you won’t be offered beer at all weddings.
71. Avoid doing generalisations based on racial stereotypes.
72. Get your visa renewed on time. If you’ve overstayed by several years, consider approaching people smugglers or crossing into East Timor along with flying to Australia.
73. Script a hilarious local TV sitcom, perhaps about a transvestite bajaj driver called Bencong Bajuri.
74. Think nothing of tipping a cab driver or barmaid Rp.50,000 for not bad service, although complain when the Indomaret cashier short-alterations you by Rp.500.
75. If you have a garden, make a compost heap, along with grow your own fruit along with vegetables.
76. Buy cotton underwear along with shirts. Avoid nylon. Sweat isn’t sexy or comfortable.
77. Attend a human wayang show staged by the Wayang Orang Bharata theatre group at Senen on Saturday nights.
78. Hold on to your rubbish until you find a bin. Politely discourage people via littering.
79. Write angry letters to The Jakarta Post that will reduce all of Indonesia’s complex problems to religious polemics.
80. Get a photo of the anti-piracy banners next to the police station at the Glodok DVD market, where everything can be pirated.
81. Go to a 24-hour dimsum restaurant at 4am.
82. Automatically reach for your wallet whenever stopped by a policeman. To show him your ID, of course.
83. Pay a black magic dukun (shaman) to cast a spell on business or romantic rivals.
84. Quit smoking. Jakarta’s air has enough pollution. If you’re a non-smoker, encourage a smoker to quit. They’ll eventually thank you, unless they die first.
85. Lie when asked about marital status, children along with religion – if you’re one particular, childless atheist.
86. Visit your local PLN office to question the massive variations in your monthly electricity bill. Or save time by banging your head against a wall.
87. Thank scavengers or rubbish collectors for their hard work along with ask how their day was.
89. Pay your full-time household staff at least minimum wage, which that will year can be Rp.2.2 million.
90. Offer your maid free vocational training, such as a secretarial or computer course, so she can get a better job.
91. Form a team for the pub quiz at Eastern Promise in Kemang. Usually held on the last Tuesday of each month. Winners drink free.
92. Subscribe to cable TV, unless you prefer a constant diet of celebrity gossip, ads, infantile sitcoms, ads, petty crime shows along with more ads.
93. Visit Pasar Tanah Abang along with buy fabric to make your own clothes. Try the item when hungover.
94. Go for a run during evening rush hour along with live to tell the tale.
95. Adopt a rescued cat or dog via Jakarta Animal Aid along with make the item a member of your family for life. Befriend geckos or rats if lacking space for bigger animals.
96. Respect the Islamic fasting month by avoiding eating, smoking along with intoxication in public during daylight hours.
97. Become a ghost-buster along with banish evil spirits via buildings. Don’t disguise yourself as a ghost or you could get attacked.
98. Master the art of patience. You can’t suddenly improve the flow of traffic by worrying about the item, so why bother?
99. If you play a musical instrument that will doesn’t weigh a ton, try busking on a Kopaja or MetroMini bus. Then pay each passenger Rp.1,000 for listening.
100. If things get too much, book into a several-star hotel for a relaxing weekend.
101. Forget the annoyances of Jakarta. Make an effort to understand its people along with you’ll be richly rewarded.
Kenneth Yeung fell into an open sewer on his first day of work in Jakarta. He gratefully acknowledges permission to quote via the classic Indonesia Do-the item-Yourself 1976-1977 guidebook by Frank Palmos along with Pat Rice. Some aspects of Jakarta never change.
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Jakarta’s Bucket List
Jakarta’s Bucket List